It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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