i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
