i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
