last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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