Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
