3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
