Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
