i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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