Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
