My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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