Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
