I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
