sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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