i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
