Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
