Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
