I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
