I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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