I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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