I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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