just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
