cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
