the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
