Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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