I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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