Your mouth is God's brothel.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
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