I will die if light touches me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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