I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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