Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
