I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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