I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
