Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
