Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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