you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
