When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
