DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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