i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize