it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
