I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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