you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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