My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
