i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
