chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
