just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
