I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
