I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
