cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
