yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
