I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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