at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
