I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
