thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm bleeding and have questions
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize