Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
