Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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