After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
birth control should be required to get into college
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
