So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
