Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
