I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize